Saying No.
Kelly Karius
In balancing our lives, saying “no” is one of the things that many, if not most people, find uncomfortable.
Our thoughts get in the way.
- “What will they think of me?”
- “She said yes to me last time I asked for a favor. I have to say yes.”
- “He’s going to get mad if I say no.”
An essential part of saying no to people is realizing that it is not actually the “saying no” part that makes people angry. It is the way the “no” is given. Somewhere in the process of saying no, we usually manage to hurt people. This hurt comes through in the way we say no. We may be curt, or make excuses or we answer in ways that may make them feel guilty for asking. People are angry because they feel hurt or guilty, not because we said no to them.
Some ideas for changing your perceptions about saying no:
• Remember that it is your right to meet your needs by saying no. It is your responsibility to say no in a way that is timely and respectful.
• When you say no to one thing, you are making room for yourself to be able to say yes to something else that is important to you.
• Saying yes when you really want to say no will cause you to be resentful and angry about the request. Saying yes when you really mean no can ruin relationships.
• If you have been doing your share to keep a relationship going, and you are unable at this time to grant a favor to the other person, a clear explanation rather than avoidance or trickery is necessary.
• Have an open and honest look at your life as it is at present. Are you spending time on the things that you value the most? Is much of your time taken up with things that you don’t value? Arrange your time so that the majority of your time is spent doing things that match your important values, the parts of your life that you feel are important.
Some solid ideas for helping yourself to say no:
• While saying no to one request, look for something else that you can say yes about. If someone asks you to chair a meeting that you will be attending, decline respectfully and make an offer that you are willing to follow through on, such as bringing refreshments. Choose the task that feels right for you, rather than just saying yes because someone needs your help.
• Don’t answer right away, give yourself time to think about it. Phrases such as “I need to check my schedule and get back to you,” or “I need some time to think about that” are helpful. Get back to the person in a timely manner. You can even give the other person an idea of when you will be able to answer. “I can let you know next week.”
• Be clear when you say no. Don’t use words such as “maybe” or “probably” when what you really mean is no. It is respectful to others to let them know where you stand. You can be clearer in saying no by being aware of your body language. Shake your head “no” and look the other person in the eye.
• Make a point of saying no to something every day, just for practice. Try it out on your kids.
• If you need to say no to someone who you would like to try to help, express that you would like to be able to help. “I can’t do that tonight. I wish I could help. Please ask me another time when you need a hand.”
• Express empathy to the person asking, so they feel understood. “I have to say no to being secretary of the association. I bet it’s a big job just to try to find someone to take on that task.”
• Start off by saying no. It is easier to back up what you’ve already said than it is to try to get back to saying no after you’ve said a few sentences. (Excerpted from: This is Out of Control! A Practical Guide to Managing Life’s Conflicts)
Being able to say no when necessary is essential to leading a balanced, rewarding life. In these times of turmoil and upset, as we look to falling financial markets, warring nations and big picture elections, we must be sure to look around at our own piece of the world and seize control of the things we believe are important.
Kelly Karius is the author of This is Out of Control! A Practical Guide to Managing Life’s Conflicts. She began Karius & Associates in her basement and has grown the business into a office-based firm where she & her staff passionately design & produce webinars, distance learning programs and motivate clients through consultations and life changing seminars that help individuals & businesses build healthier relationships at home & at work.
Learn more about Karius & Associates by visiting their website or call: (306)728-2075. Email Kelly at: kelly@kariusandassociates.com
October 22, 2008 by Network Abundance Publications
